Escape with me, will you?

      My fingers move to lace up my sneakers as my mind is focused. I have a goal to accomplish and this time nothing, not my body, the weather, or those two dogs that like to snip at my heals is going to stop me. Pink earphones are snug in place as 30 Seconds to Mars lets my body know it’s time for business. I don’t have to think about it, my feet know what to do. I head towards downtown and loop around pacing myself. I zigzag through streets, jumping over cracks in the sidewalk; I know these streets like the back of my hand. I feel the sun on my face as sweat runs down my neck. I keep going. Scenery is something we lack so my mind drifts off into another world. A sharp pain is threatening to end me; I’m not in the mood for negotiating. I keep going. I hit my half way mark and my body starts to slow down, 

this had never been my half way mark before. I hear these words and my mind is refocused.

You fill my heart to know

The length of Your great love

And where You go I'll go

You set my heart above

And nothing on earth compares

Oh God when i'm with You

         

     He made my body to be able to do this. I keep going. I turn the corner and realize this is it… 0.1 left until I reach my goal. The tips of my mouth reach my ears and I swear my face is lit up like a firefly in the night. My earphones dangle around my neck, I wanted to hear my feet hitting the ground. Goal Accomplished. 7 miles. I reach the place I normally stretch. I keep going. I’m too excited to sit still. I loop around and end at a set of swings. I sit for a while and praised Him for making my body to be able to move and adapt. This is only the beginning, I thought. I was planning to train for a half marathon.

………

The pain that almost kept me from finishing my goal had gotten worse. Turns out, I needed surgery. I thanked God for there being a way to fix it. The date was set and I was more than ready. Then, August 7^th, 10:30 am….my phone rang with news that my insurance wouldn’t cover it and the surgery will have to be postponed until December. That would mean a total of 7 months before I would be able to lace up my sneakers again. I cut the phone call short as my mind went from 0 to 60, reality was setting in, this had been my worst fear. After such a long time I’d almost be back at the beginning of my training. I got on my knees and prayed. I knew that God was still in this decision. He hadn’t abandoned me. The day before I read a quote from Louie Giglio “Gods purpose for your life far exceeds the circumstances of your day”. Will I still trust Him? Was I still going to praise Him?

Yes. As I sat on the balcony, waves crashing in the background, pen in hand and journal on my lap. I started to see that He had given me more than one passion. His purpose for me wasn’t wrapped up in running. I would walk with Him into something new. Even though this was my fear it wasn’t His. He is ABLE.

About 30 minutes later I got another phone call. Surgery was back on. I laughed and cried. I saw that God had unexpectedly given me something much greater than a yes on surgery. He gave me a moment. A moment where all things were set aside, my heart filled with His love, and my mind truly believes “Nothing else on earth compares to Him”. 

Another lesson taught. 

Happy Dance.

“If we are faithless, He remains faithful- for He can’t deny Himself”

2 Tim 2:13

These twelve words have brought me more comfort over the last few days than I could ever properly describe. We have been studying the gospel of John in Sunday School for what seems like an eternity. I have been thankful for the slow walk through this gospel. Not being raised in church, I soak up every word and new understanding like a sponge. This past Sunday we revisited John 11.

Martha and Mary send word to Jesus that their brother Lazarus was dying. Those words were sent with intention for Jesus to come right away. Jesus waited two more days before going to Judea where Lazarus and the sisters were residing. By this time Lazarus had already been dead for four days. It points out in scripture that Jesus loved Lazarus and the sisters SO He didn’t come right away, instead He waited (vs. 5-7 ESV). This plan would lead to the glorification of God (vs.4) and to their belief (vs.15). I could write for days of how often my plans alter immensely from what His are, but that isn’t where I want to go with this.

I have been referred to as both a Martha and a Mary (Luke 10:38-42). But oh how I resonate with lady Mary in this moment. Mary makes a statement to Jesus that if He had been there, Lazarus wouldn’t have died (vs.32). Here is where if I were a cartoon character my eyes would have bulged out and my jaw would have dropped, and of course, it would have been coupled with an obnoxious sound effect. In that moment I realized that this is what my faith has been. I, like Mary, don’t doubt that God is who He says He is. Nor do I doubt that He can do what He says He can do. For the first time I was staring down at scripture and in my head I saw all these words jumbled from my thoughts finally being put into order. I legibly read that I was doubting that God loves me SO…. I was doubting that He had a plan. I was doubting He would provide me with the power and grace I needed to accomplish things outside of the ordinary. In knowing who God is, I know that He does and will but I had once again allowed the adversaries lies to become my own thoughts.

In light of this doubt, I saw that I had stopped living my life in a way that could only be explained by the power, strength, grace, and holiness of Jesus. I had grown timid, quiet, and guarded which aren’t negative attributes but they had begun to control me. As I saw this I flipped to one of the numerous keepsakes tucked away in the pages of my bible and looked down at my own handwriting scribbled a year earlier. “By faith, you have asked me to walk as Abraham walked, fully surrendered not knowing where You are leading, to pray with faith and belief, and to follow You so hard and completely that nothing I do and any way I live my life can only be done and explained by You. Your power. Your Holiness. You.”

The lesson went on and as 10:00 am rolled around we all scurried to get our beloved seats in the sanctuary. I had to firmly place my arms at my side and force a calm collected stroll down the hallway while every fiber of my being wanted to do the happy dance (wave your arms, clap, twirl in circles, add a few squeals, and you’ve got yourself a happy dance). However, my fear was that if I did in fact break out into a dance that I would startle a few of our older members and they would start dropping like flies. I found my seat and my thoughts continued spinning like a hamsters wheel. I was so excited to be shown once again that God isn’t through with me, that He still is faithful to teach me, for I am not naive to how much I need to learn.  I was thankful for the grace I was given in being reminded of this truth. I needed to once again open my hands that had been clutching my life with a death grip.

In about five months my belongings and myself will be uprooted, loaded into a U-Haul and driven to a place that I have yet to discover. This place will be my new home where I will spend 3 years in graduate school to obtain an MSW. I have big decisions to make and in His sovereignty I have opened my hands. I know I will go where He desires. From now until then I will get it in my gut that…..

When we are faithless, He remains faithful.