Happy Dance.

“If we are faithless, He remains faithful- for He can’t deny Himself”

2 Tim 2:13

These twelve words have brought me more comfort over the last few days than I could ever properly describe. We have been studying the gospel of John in Sunday School for what seems like an eternity. I have been thankful for the slow walk through this gospel. Not being raised in church, I soak up every word and new understanding like a sponge. This past Sunday we revisited John 11.

Martha and Mary send word to Jesus that their brother Lazarus was dying. Those words were sent with intention for Jesus to come right away. Jesus waited two more days before going to Judea where Lazarus and the sisters were residing. By this time Lazarus had already been dead for four days. It points out in scripture that Jesus loved Lazarus and the sisters SO He didn’t come right away, instead He waited (vs. 5-7 ESV). This plan would lead to the glorification of God (vs.4) and to their belief (vs.15). I could write for days of how often my plans alter immensely from what His are, but that isn’t where I want to go with this.

I have been referred to as both a Martha and a Mary (Luke 10:38-42). But oh how I resonate with lady Mary in this moment. Mary makes a statement to Jesus that if He had been there, Lazarus wouldn’t have died (vs.32). Here is where if I were a cartoon character my eyes would have bulged out and my jaw would have dropped, and of course, it would have been coupled with an obnoxious sound effect. In that moment I realized that this is what my faith has been. I, like Mary, don’t doubt that God is who He says He is. Nor do I doubt that He can do what He says He can do. For the first time I was staring down at scripture and in my head I saw all these words jumbled from my thoughts finally being put into order. I legibly read that I was doubting that God loves me SO…. I was doubting that He had a plan. I was doubting He would provide me with the power and grace I needed to accomplish things outside of the ordinary. In knowing who God is, I know that He does and will but I had once again allowed the adversaries lies to become my own thoughts.

In light of this doubt, I saw that I had stopped living my life in a way that could only be explained by the power, strength, grace, and holiness of Jesus. I had grown timid, quiet, and guarded which aren’t negative attributes but they had begun to control me. As I saw this I flipped to one of the numerous keepsakes tucked away in the pages of my bible and looked down at my own handwriting scribbled a year earlier. “By faith, you have asked me to walk as Abraham walked, fully surrendered not knowing where You are leading, to pray with faith and belief, and to follow You so hard and completely that nothing I do and any way I live my life can only be done and explained by You. Your power. Your Holiness. You.”

The lesson went on and as 10:00 am rolled around we all scurried to get our beloved seats in the sanctuary. I had to firmly place my arms at my side and force a calm collected stroll down the hallway while every fiber of my being wanted to do the happy dance (wave your arms, clap, twirl in circles, add a few squeals, and you’ve got yourself a happy dance). However, my fear was that if I did in fact break out into a dance that I would startle a few of our older members and they would start dropping like flies. I found my seat and my thoughts continued spinning like a hamsters wheel. I was so excited to be shown once again that God isn’t through with me, that He still is faithful to teach me, for I am not naive to how much I need to learn.  I was thankful for the grace I was given in being reminded of this truth. I needed to once again open my hands that had been clutching my life with a death grip.

In about five months my belongings and myself will be uprooted, loaded into a U-Haul and driven to a place that I have yet to discover. This place will be my new home where I will spend 3 years in graduate school to obtain an MSW. I have big decisions to make and in His sovereignty I have opened my hands. I know I will go where He desires. From now until then I will get it in my gut that…..

When we are faithless, He remains faithful.