Got Flintstones?

As a kid I hated vitamins. My mom would buy the Flintstones. You know, the ones everybody loves. I thought they tasted like chalk.

Every morning I would plop down for breakfast and to my dismay two vitamins would be lurking next to my bacon and eggs. So the scheming began.

I would slide the vitamins in my pockets while pretending to chew and swallow. (Looking back I seriously should have considered a career in Vegas- just kidding) I chose under the microwave as my successful drop off place. I mean really, who ever cleans under their microwave?

The pile of Flintstones under the microwave multiplied as I delightfully slipped them out of my pocket every morning.

Then came vacation and the race to find a new hiding spot. The toilet! I threw the vitamins in, flushed, and danced out of the bathroom thinking I was brilliant.

Busted.

I never checked to see if the vitamins went down. Needless to say, my rear end still twitches when I see a bottle of Flintstones.

My mom loves to tell the story of the time she lifted the toilet seat up only to have two Flintstones vitamins staring back at her.

If it weren’t for vacation my habit of hiding vitamins might never have been discovered. It was the change in location, the move from my comfort zone where my routine of hiding was perfected that caused my secret to be revealed.

I’m now 22 and happily can report that I no longer hide my vitamins. Though, I did catch myself hiding other things. These things were not tangible they were thoughts.

Perfection. My thoughts were so entangled with the idea of being perfect. I knew that was wrong so I hid the desire away. Since I couldn’t see it, I believed it was gone.

Then came graduation, moving, a new apartment, new city, new friends, new everything.

Busted.

This time it wasn’t my mom. It was my Father. My heavenly Father.

As I stepped into this new place where my routine of hiding was altered it became painfully obvious that I was hiding behind perfectionism.

I learned a long time ago that I couldn’t control the actions of others nor did I want to. Instead I wanted to control my own. I strived for perfection in my grades, my running, and my body. I tried to be the perfect daughter, sister, and friend. I hid behind this ideal that if I failed the things I cared about most would crumble or disappear.

“He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him”  - 2 Corinthians 5:21

Jesus achieved my righteousness and I am united with Him so I am free of condemnation.

For me, this meant turning from my craving of perfectionism and accepting His righteousness and worshiping Him for it!

I am messy and imperfect. I say things that I should keep to myself, and I laugh when I should be serious. But oh how Jesus loves me. I don’t have to be perfect with Him because He is perfection.

Then I saw this video by Jeff Bethke and I wanted to clap my hands. It’s exactly what God has been showing me!

 Jeff & Alyssa Bethke, if you don’t know who they are you are missing out. Youtube and google them! Watch the videos and read their blogs.

Lessons from a German.

Who Am I ?  

Who am I ? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I ? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I ? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though bands were

Compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I ? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I ? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!

-Bonhoeffer

My legs are crossed underneath me as the breeze hits my face. I close my eyes as my lungs fill with the breath that God chose to give me today. At a distance, I appear pleasantly content.

Truthfully, my entire mind is a jumbled crossword puzzle. When I read this poem by Bonhoeffer I had the urge to run around in circles. These words penned by a man whose circumstances were vastly different than mine somehow resonated with my heart.

Eyes watching me see things that I do not understand. A mentor, role-model, saint, inspiration, and leader. Words that I hear and want to shout “you have no idea!”.

Who am I really? Am I what people see or am I what I struggle with?

His truth forever reigns. Simply put... I am HIS. 

“Just as my Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love.”  John 15:9

His presence is worth everything. I'm delighted to know that in all my craziness, inwardly He is at work.

He knows everything about me and even in all my struggles He knows how much I fiercely love Him. That love for Him can only be explained by His grace. So I am learning not to run in shame from my struggles and instead be open and abide.