Who Am I ?
Who am I ? They often
tell me
I stepped from my
cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully,
firmly,
Like a squire from his
country-house.
Who am I ? They often
tell me
I used to speak to my
warders
Freely and friendly
and clearly,
As though it were mine
to command.
Who am I ? They also
tell me
I bore the days of
misfortune
Equally, smilingly,
proudly,
Like one accustomed to
win.
Am I then really all
that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I
myself know of myself?
Restless and longing
and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath,
as though bands were
Compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors,
for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of
kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation
of great events,
Powerlessly trembling
for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at
praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to
say farewell to it all?
Who am I ? This or the
other?
Am I one person today
and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A
hypocrite before others,
And before myself a
contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within
me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder
from victory already achieved?
Who am I ? They mock
me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou
knowest, O God, I am Thine!
-Bonhoeffer
My legs are crossed underneath me
as the breeze hits my face. I close my eyes as my lungs fill with the breath
that God chose to give me today. At a distance, I appear pleasantly content.
Truthfully, my entire mind is a
jumbled crossword puzzle. When I read this poem by Bonhoeffer I had the urge to
run around in circles. These words penned by a man whose circumstances were
vastly different than mine somehow resonated with my heart.
Eyes watching me see things that
I do not understand. A mentor, role-model, saint, inspiration, and leader.
Words that I hear and want to shout “you have no idea!”.
Who am I really? Am I what people
see or am I what I struggle with?
His truth forever reigns. Simply put... I
am HIS.
“Just as my Father has loved Me,
I have also loved you; abide in My love.”
John 15:9
His presence is worth everything.
I'm delighted to know that in all my craziness, inwardly He is at work.
He knows everything about me and even in all my struggles He knows how much I fiercely love Him. That love for Him can only be explained by His grace. So I am learning not to run in shame from my struggles and instead be open and abide.
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