Smelly Feet & Jesus.

        I absolutely love the entire movie experience! The dark theater, dreamy smell of popcorn, sticky floors, and squeaky seats that I swear are going to swallow me whole one of these days. I even love the previews and silly advertisement enticing you to purchase overly priced soda and raisonettes. 

        Awhile back my best friend and I took a rare trip to the movies, because lets be real when tickets are $10 bucks a pop and you’re a college student who is living on coffee and stale cereal, a movie is something you have to save all your pennies for.

        Anyways, I kept hearing this awful crunching sound throughout the movie and was seriously perturbed. Picture a beaver gnawing on cement [not pretty]. I look over and am horrified to realize that the noise is coming from my sweet friend biting her nails. Bless her. In my head I had a vision of me pouncing over the seat, with popcorn and milk duds flying everywhere to swiftly and effectively tie her hands up so she can no longer bring her fingers anywhere near her mouth. However I am neither a ninja, nor capable of ignoring common social rules that frown upon manic outbursts in public. [clearly I’m the one with issues, not her ;) ]

        I have thought about whether the disciples got annoyed with each other. Maybe Peter’s feet stunk more than the others, or John always left food in his beard, or James sang off key. [Side note: nowhere in the bible does it mention any of this, it’s just how my brain works]. When you do life with someone it’s messy. You get annoyed with ridiculous things that if it were anyone else it would NEVER bother you.

        For the first time in my life I can truly say I have a group of people who know my darkest secrets and flaws but who accept me in full. I had a unique college experience. Living in a small town of nothing you pretty much spend every waking moment with your friends sitting around doing…well…. NOTHING. A party hard night included fro-yo and board games. My friends are night and day opposites of each other. But we all have one thing that bonds us, Jesus. Our love for Him is the tread of our friendship.

        We occasionally got annoyed, quit talking to each other for a day, threw pity parties, and spoke in anger when we should have spoken in love. Bottom line: we were real and imperfect. Jesus used these friends to teach me a valuable lesson that I will take with me into new friendships and hopefully one day into marriage.

Relationships take choice, acceptance, and commitment. Jesus chose me (John 15:6) and the moment He went to the cross, again He committed to His love for me. Being vulnerable and transparent with Him has then translated into being that way with my friends. Humans are flawed, we still get annoyed and disappoint each other but I choose to allow His grace to help me ignore fear of being “exposed” and let them in.

Turning my face to the One who knows every inch of it is hard for me sometimes. On occasion I attach human attributes to my Father. That He is annoyed with me, or refuses to speak until I admit He’s right or until I make Him a sandwich [just kidding about the sandwich]. His desire for us to be transparent with Him is fierce. His acceptance of us is pure. He doesn’t want us to sit in our mess because of that grace (Romans 6:1), but He doesn’t walk away in our imperfections. Glory! Hallelujah! That deserves a happy dance! [[My Happy Dance: refer to an earlier post]]

Go to Him. Sit as His feet and breath in His goodness. Let Him hide you beneath His wings as He teaches you to be vulnerable (psalm 57:1, psalm 91:4). He had to teach me, I had NO IDEA what that looked like. I wouldn’t trade this lesson for anything. And I wouldn’t trade my unique, hilarious, and extraordinary friends with all their flaws for anything either. They have my heart.

           

Got Flintstones?

As a kid I hated vitamins. My mom would buy the Flintstones. You know, the ones everybody loves. I thought they tasted like chalk.

Every morning I would plop down for breakfast and to my dismay two vitamins would be lurking next to my bacon and eggs. So the scheming began.

I would slide the vitamins in my pockets while pretending to chew and swallow. (Looking back I seriously should have considered a career in Vegas- just kidding) I chose under the microwave as my successful drop off place. I mean really, who ever cleans under their microwave?

The pile of Flintstones under the microwave multiplied as I delightfully slipped them out of my pocket every morning.

Then came vacation and the race to find a new hiding spot. The toilet! I threw the vitamins in, flushed, and danced out of the bathroom thinking I was brilliant.

Busted.

I never checked to see if the vitamins went down. Needless to say, my rear end still twitches when I see a bottle of Flintstones.

My mom loves to tell the story of the time she lifted the toilet seat up only to have two Flintstones vitamins staring back at her.

If it weren’t for vacation my habit of hiding vitamins might never have been discovered. It was the change in location, the move from my comfort zone where my routine of hiding was perfected that caused my secret to be revealed.

I’m now 22 and happily can report that I no longer hide my vitamins. Though, I did catch myself hiding other things. These things were not tangible they were thoughts.

Perfection. My thoughts were so entangled with the idea of being perfect. I knew that was wrong so I hid the desire away. Since I couldn’t see it, I believed it was gone.

Then came graduation, moving, a new apartment, new city, new friends, new everything.

Busted.

This time it wasn’t my mom. It was my Father. My heavenly Father.

As I stepped into this new place where my routine of hiding was altered it became painfully obvious that I was hiding behind perfectionism.

I learned a long time ago that I couldn’t control the actions of others nor did I want to. Instead I wanted to control my own. I strived for perfection in my grades, my running, and my body. I tried to be the perfect daughter, sister, and friend. I hid behind this ideal that if I failed the things I cared about most would crumble or disappear.

“He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him”  - 2 Corinthians 5:21

Jesus achieved my righteousness and I am united with Him so I am free of condemnation.

For me, this meant turning from my craving of perfectionism and accepting His righteousness and worshiping Him for it!

I am messy and imperfect. I say things that I should keep to myself, and I laugh when I should be serious. But oh how Jesus loves me. I don’t have to be perfect with Him because He is perfection.

Then I saw this video by Jeff Bethke and I wanted to clap my hands. It’s exactly what God has been showing me!

 Jeff & Alyssa Bethke, if you don’t know who they are you are missing out. Youtube and google them! Watch the videos and read their blogs.

Lessons from a German.

Who Am I ?  

Who am I ? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I ? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I ? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though bands were

Compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I ? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I ? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!

-Bonhoeffer

My legs are crossed underneath me as the breeze hits my face. I close my eyes as my lungs fill with the breath that God chose to give me today. At a distance, I appear pleasantly content.

Truthfully, my entire mind is a jumbled crossword puzzle. When I read this poem by Bonhoeffer I had the urge to run around in circles. These words penned by a man whose circumstances were vastly different than mine somehow resonated with my heart.

Eyes watching me see things that I do not understand. A mentor, role-model, saint, inspiration, and leader. Words that I hear and want to shout “you have no idea!”.

Who am I really? Am I what people see or am I what I struggle with?

His truth forever reigns. Simply put... I am HIS. 

“Just as my Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love.”  John 15:9

His presence is worth everything. I'm delighted to know that in all my craziness, inwardly He is at work.

He knows everything about me and even in all my struggles He knows how much I fiercely love Him. That love for Him can only be explained by His grace. So I am learning not to run in shame from my struggles and instead be open and abide. 

So it isn't mine?

Sometimes when you meet someone, they impact you forever. I didn’t know it at the time but when I met Ms. Beverly she changed my world. The funny thing is, I thought I was changing hers.

Ms. Beverly is a photo tech at my local Wal-mart. I met her the summer of 2009 when I was printing pictures from camp and she asked what I was laughing about. I enthusiastically told her about my favorite moments at camp that I’m sure she had no deep interest in but she listened and smiled. I hugged her and we became instant friends. Before I left I asked if I could pray with her. She grabbed my hand and told me that was just what she needed. Her faith was strong but she needed to know someone cared. I was determined to show her she wasn’t alone behind a counter in the back. Over the years I would run into Ms. Beverly and we would update each other on our lives as if we were sitting over coffee, but in reality we were just in the isle next to canned beans or Christmas decorations.

[[[  I learned the other day that David was anointed to become King of Israel at the age of 15 but he was 37 before it actually happened. 22 years passed before David began his reign. 22 years! That’s a lot of time! I thought about how timing is in Gods hands, not ours. We sure can think it belongs to us, but we would be thoroughly incorrect.  ]]]

This afternoon I was scurrying through wal-mart on a mission to get out asap. I saw Ms. Beverly and knew I wouldn’t have time to talk so I kept on checking things off my list. I stopped and knew God was telling me to go speak with her. I had a mental debate going on in my head about how I just didn’t have time today. “Obey my child”. So I walked up to my sweet friend and hugged her. She told me how her daughter, whose husband was military and had been in Japan for 2 years, decided to end his time with his family. Her daughter and her grandchildren were on their way back now with divorce papers in hand. She looked at me with tears and told me to pray for them because she knew God had a plan.

                     Time does not belong to us.

            Ms. Beverly and her family needed prayer and God blessed me with the honor of being one of those people to pray for them. I was stubborn and wanted to be efficient with my day, but God showed me that time isn’t mine to do whatever I please. It is to be used to honor Him.

            I have been scared of my future and not knowing what it holds but God showed me to “Be Still”…… He is the author of time and for that I am thankful! He is so wise with it! 

           

           

             

           

Defining Moments

             My black and white saddle oxfords are barely able to keep up with me as I run through the grass. At a glance, I look as if at any moment I could trip over my own feet. My hand is directly in front of me as I try to tag the boy I’m chasing.

           

            Recess was my favorite part of the day. I made sure I never talked to loudly in class, actually I just made sure I didn’t get caught talking too loudly. My focus was to not get a check mark next to my name, which signaled 10 minutes of time out during recess.

            We want kids to be kids. We want them to have a childhood that is fun and care- free because once they grow up that all changes. But we also expect that once they hit a certain age they’re supposed to know exactly what they want to do with their life.

            “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I can remember my answers to that question were typical. An astronaut, doctor, singer, and a marine biologist. Some people seem to know exactly what they want to do the moment they enter the world. Those people are amazing. They have a dream and do everything needed to pursue and accomplish it. Many of my friends fit into that category. Then there are those who simply have no idea.

           

            This was my view on the way to work yesterday. I could only see what was directly in front of me. God showed me that at the moment, this is a reflection of my life. As cliché as that is, I totally understood. God told Abraham to go and then he would show him where to go. Abraham went. Then God told him to “fear not, I am your shield, your reward shall be very great”. Abraham asked God how he was supposed to know that what God promised was going to be given to him. God asked him to give a sacrifice then gave him reassurance that what He promised would happen.

            I know the promises God has for me. I am His and I love Him. For the first time I really want to ignore fears and dreams and listen to Him. A friend reminded me to do just that. Listen. As I began to do more of this I realized that the decisions I was making about my future were out of expectations (of others and my own), and fear. Listening changed that. I saw that God wants me to go. To follow Him and discover a new part of His heartbeat. In 7 months I will be somewhere in Africa listening and learning. For how long, I have no idea. What I will do when I get back, I have no idea. But He is my shield and my reward. That makes it worth it.

            When we grow up, we’re supposed to know what we want to do. I guess for now, I’m still not grown up. I am okay with that. Being grown up is overrated. J At the moment, I can only see what is directly in front of me. Just as I knew there was a city on the other side of the fog. I know there is more that God has for me, but I don’t see it yet.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

             

Discipline

    My alarm is titled “Sunshine”…..but the last few mornings it’s awakened me while the sun is still on the other side of the world. As I slid the covers off and pulled the curtains back my eyes didn’t have to adjust to the light, because there was none. Just darkness. It’s amazing what I can accomplish with one eye still closed and my body half asleep. I scarf down a banana with peanut butter and a glass of water. I wrap up my blisters, slip on some sweats, grab my sneakers with one hand while my Ipod dangles in the other. I head out the door. It’s 6:30 am as I hit my stop watch to begin my run.

                                                    DISCIPLINE.

    After my knee surgery I thought God had taught me enough about that nine letter word. I was wrong.

    As I logged in 4-7 miles a day plus weights and abs, then adding another 30 min morning run on top of that, my body screamed in pain. It started just in my shin then from overcompensating, the pain traveled to my IT band and outside of my foot.

     When I was running there was no pain but as soon as I stopped I felt like there was a metal rod sticking through my lower leg. My brilliant mind thought ”It doesn’t hurt while I run so…just don’t stop running”. I sometimes like to picture myself as a Paula Radcliffee, when in reality I’m more of a Steve Urkle in the running world. (but I can rock it) Needless to say, that whole ‘don’t ever stop running’ plan failed.

                                                      DICIPLINE.

    In church we looked at Judges 20:18-34. The Israelites were sent out by God a total of 3 times to battle against the Benjamin Tribe. They sought God and He told them to go fight. They lost 18,000 men the first battle and 22,000 in the second for a total of 44,000 dead men. They were pretty much screaming WHAT THE HECK!?! They asked God again if they should continue to fight or if they should cease. God told them to continue. They obeyed. It was a terrible battle. They had discipline not based off of feelings. The battle ended in a Victory for the Israelites.

    Every time my feet hit the ground I feel pain. It’s constant and despite weeks of rehab nothing seems to dim the pain.

    This is my last semester of college and my last chance to run with my team who has worked so hard. After my knee surgery there was no question if I should stop running. Now… I question God. I’m asking if I should keep going. Everything seems to be falling apart. I don’t know if there is a victory at the end of this battle.

    He reminded me today as I sat in the blue padded chairs facing the stage. No matter the outcome, in Him there is always VICTORY. He knows the end, we don’t.

    How do I keep going when nothing seems to be going right and I want to throw in the towel and hang my shoes up?

                                                   DICIPLINE.

He has told me to keep going. I will obey.

Escape with me, will you?

      My fingers move to lace up my sneakers as my mind is focused. I have a goal to accomplish and this time nothing, not my body, the weather, or those two dogs that like to snip at my heals is going to stop me. Pink earphones are snug in place as 30 Seconds to Mars lets my body know it’s time for business. I don’t have to think about it, my feet know what to do. I head towards downtown and loop around pacing myself. I zigzag through streets, jumping over cracks in the sidewalk; I know these streets like the back of my hand. I feel the sun on my face as sweat runs down my neck. I keep going. Scenery is something we lack so my mind drifts off into another world. A sharp pain is threatening to end me; I’m not in the mood for negotiating. I keep going. I hit my half way mark and my body starts to slow down, 

this had never been my half way mark before. I hear these words and my mind is refocused.

You fill my heart to know

The length of Your great love

And where You go I'll go

You set my heart above

And nothing on earth compares

Oh God when i'm with You

         

     He made my body to be able to do this. I keep going. I turn the corner and realize this is it… 0.1 left until I reach my goal. The tips of my mouth reach my ears and I swear my face is lit up like a firefly in the night. My earphones dangle around my neck, I wanted to hear my feet hitting the ground. Goal Accomplished. 7 miles. I reach the place I normally stretch. I keep going. I’m too excited to sit still. I loop around and end at a set of swings. I sit for a while and praised Him for making my body to be able to move and adapt. This is only the beginning, I thought. I was planning to train for a half marathon.

………

The pain that almost kept me from finishing my goal had gotten worse. Turns out, I needed surgery. I thanked God for there being a way to fix it. The date was set and I was more than ready. Then, August 7^th, 10:30 am….my phone rang with news that my insurance wouldn’t cover it and the surgery will have to be postponed until December. That would mean a total of 7 months before I would be able to lace up my sneakers again. I cut the phone call short as my mind went from 0 to 60, reality was setting in, this had been my worst fear. After such a long time I’d almost be back at the beginning of my training. I got on my knees and prayed. I knew that God was still in this decision. He hadn’t abandoned me. The day before I read a quote from Louie Giglio “Gods purpose for your life far exceeds the circumstances of your day”. Will I still trust Him? Was I still going to praise Him?

Yes. As I sat on the balcony, waves crashing in the background, pen in hand and journal on my lap. I started to see that He had given me more than one passion. His purpose for me wasn’t wrapped up in running. I would walk with Him into something new. Even though this was my fear it wasn’t His. He is ABLE.

About 30 minutes later I got another phone call. Surgery was back on. I laughed and cried. I saw that God had unexpectedly given me something much greater than a yes on surgery. He gave me a moment. A moment where all things were set aside, my heart filled with His love, and my mind truly believes “Nothing else on earth compares to Him”. 

Another lesson taught.